Pipe dreams

I daydream a lot, and I often berate myself for the ludicrous nature of those daydreams -- so ludicrous that they are elevated to the status of pipe dreams. But just lately, I've had a couple of these fantasies come true. So here's one more:

I used to want Dakota Fanning to star as Sylvia in a motion picture adaptation of my book, 100 Girls. Now that she's too old for the part, I'd like to see the role go to either her sister, Elle, or to Chloe Moretz.

Okay, Universe, you've got your work cut out for you.

This business we call "show"

Culled from this week's Publisher's Weekly/Comics Weekly newsletter, a quote from comics writer Greg Rucka:

"What I learned is that the checks cash just as well whether the movie is made or not. Whiteout was on and off several times since first being optioned in 2000, and I think the secret to all that not driving us [he and artist Steve Lieber] crazy is that it was never our goal to get a movie deal out of this. A lot of people are writing comics or graphic novels in the hopes of getting it made into a movie. That is a recipe for disappointment."

To which I would just like to add: Amen, sir.

Anyone who gets into comics so that they can get a movie made is going to get their damned hearts broken. Hell, anyone who gets into comics for any reason other than to make comics is destined for el corazón quebrado.

I remember a few years ago I spoke to a high school class that was studying comics (although the courses may have actually called them "graphic novels") and one of the things I said, based on a question about how quickly one can become rich as a comics artist, was, "if you get into comics to get rich, you're in for a nasty shock. The only reason to get into comics is because you love comics."

The teacher and the owner of the local comics shop both gave me dirty looks. It quickly became apparent to me that these kids had been told something other than this pessimistic view I was spouting. Maybe they had even been told, as incentive to get them to take the class, that they would become overnight sensations and that people would throw buckets of money at them where ever they went. And here I was saying that comics might have some worth beyond the ability to make you rich and attractive to the opposite sex.

But some people get their comics made into movies and earn money that way, right?" the teacher asked me. His expression said to me that I should not contradict him. And, since his statement was true, I said, "yes." But I didn't go on to say that these kids would be better served taking a class that taught them how to play the lottery than they would be learning how to make comics that got turned into movies. How many comics movies have there been in the last ten years? Twenty, thirty? And how many comics are published every month? Hundreds! Hundreds of comics a month get published and only three or four a year get turned into movies. If Vegas offered those odds, there wouldn't be any casinos still in operation.

So, please, kids, if you want to make movies, do that. Go to film school; buy a camera and go shoot something. Just, please, don't think you're going to make a comic that will be seen by Steve Spielberg and then turned into a movie. It ain't gonna happen.

And no, the recently scuttled deal for 100 Girls has nothing to do with this rant. Why would you even think that?

The secret history of 100 Girls

I have hinted a few times about our (our being Todd, our publisher, our managers, and me) involvement with Hollywood. I have never more than hinted because if these things are up in the air there's a number of reasons not to talk about them. Some of those reason are legal. So I thought it was interesting to stumble across a brief article on Hollywood North Report dot com mentioning 100 Girls having been optioned by Sci Fi. This is interesting to me for a couple of reasons. 1) I never knew that any information about this deal leaked into the wild and 2) because the article is dated December 2008 and the Sci Fi's option on the book had lapsed by that time. Had been lapsed for several months if memory serves.

It makes me wonder why this site would report on a deal that was already history at the time of reporting. Hollywood North Report claims it got the original story from another site. This other site doesn't have any kind of search function, so I can't tell what exactly they reported. This little episode may remain a mystery, I guess.

I have always thought that I'd like to write a detailed history of 100 Girls in Hollywood, but only after the matter of its involement there is settled. And by "settled" I mean either 1) Someone actually purchases the writes to the book or 2) Todd and I throw up our hands and decide to give up on the process entirely.

I have no illusions about which of those eventual outcomes will come to fruition.

But for now, marvel at what could have been...

I would play me in the movie

Out of the blue Wednesday night I received an email from someone I don't know. They identified themselves as a producer and asked after the rights to 100 Girls. I followed the link they provided to their bio on IMDb and was impressed with what I saw there. Further, I was impressed with how much effort they put into finding my email address so that they could contact me.

I was struck dumb and immediately referred them to my managers in LA.

The whole episode made me start thinking that I should probably record the tortured history of 100 Girls in Hollywood. I won't do it tonight, mostly because I don't feel like crying, but soon, I think. I'm sure that most people I know have no idea how many close calls there have been with the book and either movies or TV. I almost always play that stuff close to the vest, because I learned early on that the odds are against you and I'd rather not have to tell people, "You know that thing I told you about? Yeah, you can forget that." Over and over. I remain, at the moment, cautiously optimistic.

One quick anecdote as an illustration: Some months ago I had a phone interview with two agents who wanted to rep 100 Girls in a specific market. I took the phone call alone because Todd, my co-creator on the book, has reached the point where he won't even talk to Hollywood types anymore. He just tells me to talk to them and report back to him. If I like them, he's willing to work with them. Anyway, I was on the phone with these folks and one of them asked me if I was excited about this latest opportunity. I thought for a moment, and then I answered truthfully. "If this had happened even two years ago, I'd have been excited," I said, "but we've had so many opportunities almost happen, that I try not to get excited. If this all works out, then I guarantee I'll be excited." My publisher at Arcana, Sean, told me later that one of the agents told him I had a "bad attitude." I just laughed.

Be careful what you wish for

Man, I wish this latest round of madness were done with, vis á vis, Hollywood. I'm dying to write about it. It's chock full of comedic value. Or it makes me want to cry. One or the other.

For some reason, it keeps dredging up memories of Jr. High dances...

The waiting is the hardest part...

Over the last few years (three?), there have been occasions when Hollywood (not all of Hollywood, but you know what I mean) have expressed interest in 100 Girls. Because you're not reading about me in Entertainment Weekly, you can assume that nothing has happened with these flirtations. So far.

I have a very neurotic outlook on all of this stuff. I get excited for about an hour, a feeling that is then followed by a combination of anxiety (as we wait to hear if Hollywood will validate our existence by throwing ginormous piles of money at us), despair (at the thought that if we don't get the deal, it will have been my fault), and, perhaps worst of all, elation coupled with uncontrollable fantasies. Shit, I'm like a real-life Tin Cup.

In the moments of excitement, I will tell Melissa, and that's about it. She spreads the news far and wide before I remember to ask her to keep a lid on it. One thing I hate is having to explain to people why any given deal fell through when they ask me when they can expect to see the 100 Girls movie/TV show/video game/what-have-you. Sometimes I will hint to people about these things, but it's not me being coy; it's me trying to save face before the fact. If that makes any kind of sense.

Ugh. Any guesses why I'm bringing this all up?